


Adventures in 999 Calls

by memesf0r0ne



Series: Ineffable Nonsense, ft. Aziraphale's "Pet Snake" [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Anyways, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, It's more of a police report if I'm being honest, M/M, Misuse of emergency calls, Oops, Snake Crowley, a sequel to the other disaster, enjoy, has anyone ever done crack and angst?, in a matter of speaking, ineffable husbands, that would be...a thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-09-23 11:03:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20339071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/memesf0r0ne/pseuds/memesf0r0ne





	Adventures in 999 Calls

Lettie Handrit was prepared for another day at work. As a 999 dispatcher, she was used to people calling in for weird things. Like pet alligators loose in town, or things put in places that don’t belong there.

She was not expecting a call from the London Humane Society.

Sometimes, she did receive calls from them regarding escaped animals that were potentially hazardous, like a feral dog or something. This was not one of those instances.

“999, how can I help you?”

“Yah, um...we’ve got a...situation?” came a female voice. “We’re at the Humane Society in London, 5 Underwood Street, Hoxton―”

“Mhmm, I’ve got that down. What’s your situation?”

“Uh, well.” The woman paused, and then hummed. “Um. Um. Well, we went to pick up a snake― a  _ big-ass _ snake ― that we found in Soho, going along the sidewalk, and we picked it up, and we put it in a cage temporarily so we could identify the type. Um. I think it may be a type of python considering the size and pattern, but I can’t be sure, and, and then it― well, the snake-thing must not have been a snake, because it turned into a man.”

Lettie nearly dropped the receiver. “I’m sorry,  _ what _ did you say happened?”

“It turned into a man.”

“Okay, well, is there any possibility you were...seeing things? Did anyone else see this happen?” Lettie asked tersely.

“Well, yeah, ma’am. But most of them fainted. Or were screaming too hard to pay attention. While that was happening, a man walked in.”

“Wait, wait. Can you describe the...snake-man...can you describe it when it was a man, please?”

“Oh, yeah, sure. Kinda reddish-dark hair, sunglasses, the kind with things on the sides so that you can’t see his eyes. Pretty lanky, I suppose. Probably a good six feet, but he was sitting in the cage most of the time, so I can’t be sure.”

“I’ve got that down,” Lettie said, glancing at her notepad, then around the room to make sure no one was over her shoulder. This was absolutely absurd. “What about the man who walked in?”

“Very light hair, kinda round, very friend-shaped.”

“Friend-shaped?”

“Yes,” said the woman.

“Um. Okay.”

“He was very angry at the snake-thing-man, I think. He called the man-snake ‘dear’ and used big words. Influffy-bility, or something, it was weird. Oh! I think they were together, actually. Like, you know,  _ involved _ . The...snake-man called him ‘love’ and ‘angel,’ and then a really long A-name, like Azira-something. He mentioned someone named ‘Eve’, and it seemed that he thought the snake-to-man transformation was a completely normal occurrence.” The woman on the other end took a breath, and then added, “They also said something about a Bentley.”

“Oh. Oh. Okay. Thank you. Thanks. Good day,” Lettie said quickly, hanging up. She’d gotten many calls about a vintage Bentley all of a sudden bursting into flame, and a man of a similar description running into a flaming bookshop, which was suddenly restored a few days later without explanation. The bookshop in question belonged to a Mr. A Z Fell, who fit the description of the other man. One time, during a call from a Soho emergency, he was offhandedly called ‘immortal’ without any further perusal.

A strange couple indeed.

Though she wasn’t quite sure how, she knew she needed to confront these strange…  _ people _ , or at least people-shaped entities. Little did she know this would prove to be much more difficult than she bargained for.


End file.
